They're off

They set out for Memphis this morning, the rising sun nipping at their heels like an anxious old dog.
And just like that, they’re gone.

We never see enough of each other. I don't know if there's such thing as enough.

Last night I felt poetic, driving home with my son sleeping soundly in the back seat.
The power lines cut geometric grids into the darkness, and I couldn’t help but notice their structure, their purpose. I wish I had a purpose, or even some sort of structure on which to build my being.

And that’s why I envy him so much; as long as I can remember he’s always had a plan, a determination, a drive to achieve that which he wants. Strange how siblings can be such polar opposites.

But is it really a bad thing to spend your life drifting like a dandelion puff on a summer breeze? Sometimes I’m not so sure.



I applied for a few new jobs yesterday. I'm just about desperate enough to do anything, as long as it means I can be home with my son more often. I just can't swallow the idea of working 12 hours a day four days a week, plus half days on Saturdays. That means I drop Jonas off at daycare before he's even awake, and I have just enough time in the evening to bathe him, feed him, and kiss him goodnight. I can't do it. I'd rather be broke and give up the very few luxuries we have. And I don't mind peanut butter sandwiches or ramen noodles all that much.

Last night we had a going away feast. It's so hard to be on a diet around my family. We had snow crab legs and steamed mussels in a white wine sauce. YUM! And while neither of those are really fattening foods, you have to take into account all the butter you dip them in, etc.

As of the last weigh in, I'm still doing ok, although I seem to have reached some sort of plateau (probably due to my weak will-power and the visiting family.

Here are the latest numbers:

Weight: 170.5 lbs.
Bust: 39"
Waist: 35.5"
Hips: 41"

I've got to get back into the habit of eating healthy stuff again. Sure, the occasional french fry isn't going to hurt me, but I don't have the will-power yet to deny the entire plate of them. So, until I can do that, it's no junk for me. I've found that going cold turkey on the junk food is easier to do than trying to cut back.

And so, for lunch today: A salad of romaine with tomato, cucumber, onion and a tablespoon of tuna. I'm not a big fan of salad dressing, which is a good thing, since regular dressing is fattening and the fat free stuff tastes terrible. But, if I do decide to have a little, I've got some I made with low fat mayo. Sort of a compromise between the two extremes. You need a little fat in your diet, don't you?

The worst part is, I look in the mirror, or at pictures, and I still see myself as a fatass, even though I've lost about 17 lbs. Sure, there's a difference, but I'm still not satisfied with the way I look. I wonder if I ever will be.