Renewed

I've been doing some thinking lately. Thinking on the more important things in life- like who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do.

You see, I've never been one of those fortunate people that seems to be born with a purpose or a desire to do on particular thing. Nor am I one of those people that is particularly good at any one thing. Sure, there are a lot of things that I can do, but nothing that I am passionate about. So, when it comes to careers and futures and stuff like that, I'm totally lost. I've never sat down and thought about finances, or retirements, or any of that stuff. I just sort of figure that when the time comes a plan will emerge. It's the way I've operated all my life. And while things have been tight most of the time, we've always made it through. I'm ok with that. I don't need a neat little nest-egg to feel secure. But I'm starting to feel like it's a downfall. I mean, it's not all about me anymore, is it? I've got a family to think about.

Ok, so I'm approaching 30, I have a kid, a dead end career that I'm less than enthused about, what am I going to do with myself? I can't say that I know for sure, but I feel like it's time that I start making some changes and some decisions in my life.

I talk a big game a lot of the time, but to be honest, I'm not much of an activist. I'm perfectly content with what little I have, and I find that frustrating. Lack of motivation.

But there's one thing that I'm sure of and it's this: I can't continue on doing what I'm doing now. I work three, sometimes four days a week, and I'm miserable every single one of them. I hate dropping my son off before the sun rises in the morning, only to pick him up in time for a bath and a good-night kiss. It's just not enough. And I know that I'm not alone in this situation, and that I'm actually very fortunate in the fact that we can make ends meet with my part time salary. But it's not good enough. At the rate we're going, we'll be living in this little house forever, with this broken down car, depending on my parents for leftovers in order to stretch the food budget. I don't like it.

So I've got a renewed desire to change. I'm still ironing out the details, and I don't know if it'll even work out, but I'm ready to give it a shot. Change is not something that comes easily for me. I prefer the comfort of familiarity. I mean, yeah, things may be tight, but at least I know exactly what I'm looking at every month.

But I want more time with my son. I want quality time with him. Time that I'm not exhausted, or trying to catch up on the things that got ignored the previous day due to work. There's got to be something out there, it's just going to take creativity on my part to find exactly what works.

So today, once little man wakes up from his nap, we're going to go buy the final parts and pieces for our shower, and by god, we're going to finish it. And then I'm calling for the inspection and we're getting the re-fi in the works. No more dragging our feet. It's time to jump in head-first and get this thing moving. Complacency just isn't an option any more.

You do believe me, don't you?