Day 1

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, to use a really bad cliche.

Last night Dr. G. performed my exit interview which is more of a formality than anything else. One of the questions he asked was if there was anything that I would suggest changing, some thing or another that I felt was lacking in the clinic. Jeez, where to start? There are so many things that could use some attention, so many issues and problems and kinks in the system. On the best of days we operate in controlled chaos. But sitting there in the old wooden chair in his cluttered office I found myself without a thing to say. I do that- I have all of these suggestions, ideas, and yet, when I'm finally in a position to speak my mind, it's all gone.

Oh well.

He shook my hand, told me he'd miss me, and out I walked, for the last time. It's finally over.

Last night was a sleepless one- somewhere between elation and total fear. I've never been unemployed before and I'm finding the idea more than a little scary. It's not the money issue, it's the "now what do I do?" feeling that creeps in. I mean, the answer is obvious... I raise my kid, I go to school, I fix this house, I become self-sufficient. But losing that routine- the familiarity of 5 am coffee and long commutes. Just knowing that my hand has felt the slight jiggly looseness of the breakroom door knob for the last time... Man, I'm working myself up over nothing, aren't I?

Today we began our journey into stay-at-home parenthood together. Jonas has been at the top of his game. A couple of major meltdowns at the most inconvenient times- like while I had the entire contents of the freezer spread out on the kitchen floor, trying to get everything rearranged before it defrosted. And of course, no nap today, but otherwise we've done pretty well.

I'm scouting out parks nearby. Most of them are simply not designed with younger children in mind, but I'm not giving up. Jonas loves being outside. There's one park, over in the ritzy area that seems nice (of course it does) and is actually covered, wich is a huge bonus. I think we'll go see if we can fit in over there sometime this week.

I've also set up a date for the air conditioner to get replaced. By Monday evening of next week we'll be sleeping in chilly comfort for the first time in nearly two years. After that, it's carpet for our bedroom, maybe some paint, then we're moving on to the outside. Stucco, paint, porch. The list is starting to seem do-able after months and months of feeling overwhelmed. It would be nice to be able to get it all done before J's birthday. Maybe we'd be able to have his birthday party here instead of depending on the parents.

Before I left Dr. Thomson (no "p" dammit!) took my email address. His wife is a new stay at home mom, too. Their son is not quite 1. She's a member of the local Mom's Club and, according to him, so are a lot of other folks I know. Some of them clients of the clinic, etc. He said he'd have her get in touch with me, that she'd probably love to get together occasionally. It would be nice to have a friend with a kid. I'm severely lacking in that department.

But now I'm rambling and Jonas is getting antsy. He just scaled the back of the couch by creating a tower of toys to climb. ARG!

I'll leave you with my "J's First" of the day: Today he fell in love with peanut butter.



Heh, PB&J?