Unproductive

I'm supposed to be doing all kinds of things today.

I woke up with the mindset to get things done, and now! I got Jonas ready and took him over to Abuela's for a visit so that I could really get to work around here... get the place in order.

But I dropped Jonas off, and realized that the craft store was just around the corner. So I dropped in to do a little browsing. Maybe after I got my housework done I could hang out with Heidi and get some scrapbooking done.

It's amazing, the amount of stuff they sell in the way of scrapbooking supplies! And so I filled my little basket with all sorts of bargain items. I always shop the clearance and discount aisles. It's the only way I can afford a damn thing that's not a necessity. So, with my basket full of bargains, I headed for the checkout.

I was shocked when the cashier smiled at me and uttered the words, "$75.56"
The hell you say! How in the world did I spend that much. Looking at the line forming behind me, I simply swiped the old debit card and left with my bag, knowing good and well that there was no way a $75, non-essential purchase was going to fly with Wil, or sit well with me, for that matter.

So, I sat in the car, and went through my bags, and I weeded out all the cute things that I really didn't need, and those things that could wait for another day, and I took them back inside and returned them.

God, I've never felt lower in my life, returning things that I JUST purchased. Sure, I'll return the hell out of something if I get it home and it's not what I expected it to be, ya know? But to have to sit outside the store and penny pinch like that, and then explain to the sixteen year old clerk that still lives with mom and dad, and has a brand-new, paid for car, and doesn't have to worry about the world of bills and debts and hungry tummies why it is you're returning stuff you JUST bought... humiliating.

So I returned all but about $20 worth of stuff, which I still feel guilty for keeping, and I stopped at the grocery to pick up the essentials, which I skimped on since I felt guilty for my previous spending spree. And then I came home, tucked the scrapbook stuff into the closet, and went to work on the house.

Housework is so therapeutic sometimes. When I'm upset about something, there's nothing better to do than stick a broom or a sponge in my hand. I can accomplish an entire days chores in an hour or so. So I cleaned, and I scrubbed, and I organized, and I moved some of Jonas's old toys and outgrown clothes to the shed, and I did dishes, and I fixed myself lunch, and then cleaned the kitchen again, as if to erase any sign that I had been there.

Maybe that's what the housework thing is about... maybe it's a way to erase the traces of yourself when you're feeling disgusted.

Whatever. The house is clean.

After that, I sat down at the desk and I wrote out all the thank you cards that I needed to still write out from Jonas's party.

Finally I decided to pull out my scrapbooking stuff and get to work... only to realize that I had left all of the photos at my parents. Kind of hard to scrapbook without pictures, isn't it? Dummy.

So I've wasted money I don't even have on a hobby that I can't even seem to get myself organized to do. And now I'm going to tuck all of this junk into the closet, and it'll probably me a month or more before I get another chance to do anything with it, and by then, the inspiration will be gone, and I'll be wondering what the hell I was thinking buying that color cardstock in the first place.

But it's time to go get my munchkin, and it's time to start winding down. Time to prepare myself for a full-time job that I don't want and that I resent because it keeps me from being with my family, and it makes me so tired that on my day off I'd rather not be a mommy at all.

And all of this has been just a bunch of unproductive nonsense.

What's new?