Comfort Food
I'm eating comfort food for dinner tonight. Sometimes I think we eat to fill gaps in our emotional lives rather than empty places in our tummies.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those compulsive eaters that'll empty the fridge in one sitting or anything, but food is so complex, and it affects us on so many levels. Now you know why I've been fat all my life. I use food to fill voids.
Ok, so it's time to purge. Not in the physical sense. Nope, not bullemic either, except with words.
There's this deep dark secret eating away at my insides. It's been there a while, festering and spreading, and it's time I dragged it to the surface and exposed it to the harsh light of acceptance.
Ok, so here goes:
I fantasize about being a single mom. Doesn't sound so deep and dark now, does it? I don't hate my husband or anything. As a matter of fact, I love him more than I ever thought possible, but I'm just too damn tired to try and hold a relationship together while also, for the most part, raising our son on my own.
Maybe it's just that men aren't built to be as strong as us women, but Wil thinks that as long as he puts a day in at work, he's exempt from any other duties. That would be just fine with me, if I wasn't having to work AND take care of everything else. He doesn't cook, he doesn't do laundry, he doesn't clean floors, walk dogs, change litter boxes, scrub showers, nothing. And I have to nearly beg him to spend any time with Jonas. When he does, it's only begrudgingly.
Maybe I'm not being fair. I know that he works a tough job, and that he puts in a lot of long hours. But hey, I think I do too. I'm up by 4:30 every morning, gone by 6:30, and I don't even get back home until after 6 in the evening. Then I have to figure out what's for dinner, make sure that everything is ready for tomorrow, feed the critters, clean up after them. If I'm lucky I get 20 minutes to actually just sit on the floor with Jonas and watch him play. Then it's bath and bedtime. And Wil can't understand why I fall asleep before 9 most nights.
Sure, I only work 4 days a week, but they're REALLY long days. And my days off are really just days to catch up on all the shit that's leftover from the day before.
I could handle all of this if I didn't also have to handle the anger that I feel because of his lack of help. Yes, he knows, we've discussed it at length, but nothing changes, and then I'm just more angry because now I've made the effort to express my feelings (something not at all easy for me) and they've been ignored.
I just can't help but think sometimes that it'd be a little easier if I had one less person to worry about pleasing.
Maybe it's all just a desire and a need to simplify life in general. Either way, I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that when it comes to my relationship with the man that I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with, I could take it or leave it.
And that's the dirty little secret that's been gnawing away at my innards lately.
posted by Mommyleek @ 8:51 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Well, after reading this post, and the last one - I'm just about convinced we're living the same life or sharing a brain/heart... something. Men really think "I have a job" answers all the husbandly/fatherly responsibilities. I swear to god on my life right now, I JUST had this conversation with Scott.
I come here, and read me. Mind blowing.
I'm not qualified to answer, being single, but if I knew, I had a wife that gave a damn about stuff like that and loved me, I mean, really and truly loved me this is not way on God's green earth I would fall into that mold. I've seen it too mamny times in my life. yes, we do have our jobs and difficulties, but you know, I'm the opposite. I've yet to find a woman who's not part of the, "buy me, cook me, entertain me, lavish me," crowd and would rather really enjoy someone with the traditonal instincts who'd say, "I'll cook you, massage your shoulders, bring ya a Coke, etc." None of the girls I've dated thus far fir ~THAT~ mold. Ugh! Anyways, ok, I'm still not qualified, ladies, to comment in a convo with this subject material. Men get lazy. They forget what it's like to be young and in love and not care about stereotypes, and roles and who's paying as long as there is love and happiness and smiles and warmth and togetherness and all that. But women forget, too! :-) Sorry, but we ~ALL~ do!
You're right, Mike, we do all forget sometimes. Relationships are a lot of work, and they require effort from both sides. I guess that's why so many of them end up in failure, we just get lazy, or comfortable, or something.
I also have been examining this type of relationship dynamic. Some of mine may be Post-Partum Depression but that sounds too much like a scape goat to me.
Maybe as enlightened as we like to think we all are, when it gets down to it, it's hard not to fall into the roles "expected" of us. Many Men have been raised to take house work for granted. Mom cleans his room, does his laundry, feeds him etc. Many women were expected to do these things growing up. It is hard to break the mold. I am trying not to fall into the "nagging wife" thing so as not to re-enforce the divide, but if I don't get the stuff done, who will?
I was so upset the other week I typed in myhusbandsucks.com and was oddly encouraged to see I am not alone and also just how good mine husband really is ;)
Raven,
Thanks for stopping by. You're right about the gender roles being set at an early age. I think my husband was raised to have a lot of respect for women, but I've sort of spoiled him into becoming the lazy man that he is now. I gues I can't blame him.
As far as post partum depression goes. I went through a really really tough couple of months, and I can totally relate. It does pass, that I can promise, but being a new Mommy, and having to learn how to do that, on top of trying to maintain some sort of similarity to life before baby can be tough. Not to mention that it's really hard to admit that you're depressed when you're supposed to be overjoyed by the little miracle in your life... if you ever want to chat, I'm available. I'm certainly no authority on child raising, but maybe we can laugh at our own inadequacies together. :)
Wow, thanks. Sometimes it just helps a lot to know I am not the only one. And not just to read about theoretical people feeling this way in a text book. Sometimes I think I have stealth depression... like Hobbes of Calvin and Hobbes. I'm in a good mood, have a beautiful baby and all the sudden, I am so NOT there. Weird, huh? - a.Raven
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