Wanted: The Father of My Child

It's strange how one day Wil can be so involved in his son's life, and the next, it seems like he couldn't care less.

I know it's mostly irrationality on my part, and I can't expect everyone in the world to be as devoted to parenting as I am. (And that's not to say that I'm super-mom or anything) But there are some days where I wonder if it would break Jonas's heart less to just not have a daddy at all.

Last night, when Wil finally came home from work, after making a detour to Best Buy to check out some Amish Porn that we can't afford anyways, he sat down in the livingroom floor and glued himself to the television. Not even a word of hello to his son. And I sat and watched Jonas try his damndest to get his attention for half an hour. Even the toy hammer to the head got barely a reaction.

Sure, he's young enough now to not remember things like this, but how long will that be an excuse?

I don't know... sometimes it just feels like I'm doing this totally alone.

Is it just something in a man's genetic makeup that makes them think that their only obligation is to put in an 8 hour day on the job?

I haven't discounted the fact that it's probably jealousy that's driving some of these feelings on my part. Sure, I'd love to have a day or two where my only responsibility was to show up at work and then come home and turn into a lump.

And our relatioship is suffering.

In another week and a half it'll be our third wedding anniversary... our sixth year together, and I find that I just don't give a shit one way or the other. There's no nostalgic, fuzzy feeling about it. Just another day, ya know? I can count, on one hand, the number of intimate moments we've shared in the past year. I can't fairly blame that totally on him, but his efforts are minimal, and so are mine. Where'd the spark go? The adventure? The need for one another?

Believe me when I tell you that my life does feel complete. Wil has given me the one and only thing I've longed for, but I never imagined how detached from us he could be. We feel less like a family and more like a mother and son living with some guy who occasionally makes an appearance.

So how do I make it better? How do I get him more involved? Or is it even my responsibility to do so?

Just some rambling thoughts during naptime.