Asshole

That's my husband's name today: Asshole. Sometimes he hurts me so deeply, and I don't even know if he realizes it.

I had asked him last night if his mother would like to watch Jonas today. They usually do on Tuesdays so that I can get caught up on housework, etc. but I don't like to just assume that they don't have any other plans.

So I asked him last night and didn't really get an answer, even though I know he spoke with them for over an hour. So I asked him again this morning, and still didn't get an answer. So, as he was getting ready to leave, I asked him again and he said something to the effect of "I heard you the first time, I was just ignoring you."

Maybe it's just because I'm sick, or tired, or female, or whatever, but for some reason, that hurt more than you can imagine. I mean, no one likes to be ignored for any reason, especially when it's something that, to you, is important. But to be ignored and disrespected all in one breath?

I'm not usually one of those sensitive little teary girls, but I have to admit, I spent the next couple of minutes fighting back tears. I don't think it had so much to do with this particular conversation as it did the fact that it brought with is some acute awareness of how not right things are between us.

To call this a relationship would be a stretch. About the only thing we still have in common are a checkbook and a child. There's no conversation, no intimacy, nothing. And I guess it never hit me really, that we weren't working, until I realized exactly how important I was in the grand scheme of his day. Ignored. Like a fly buzzing around his head. Ignored.

So I was going christmas shopping this morning to get his present, but now I'm rethinking the ridiculous amount I was getting ready to spend. But that's not the christmas spirit, is it? We give because we love from our souls, not because someone has been good to us all year long, right?

C'mon help me justify this. Maybe I just need coffee. Maybe it's these meds. Maybe these are all excuses created so that I can ignore the writing on the wall.

Merry fucking Christmas. I'm calling off the holidays.