Fuck it

Pardon my french, but there seems to be no other words to express the way I'm feeling right now.

The Christmas trip is off now. Not going. I'm over it. I guess I won't get to see my grandfather until he's being planted in the ground. All over a couple hundred bucks that we don't have and the cheapness of other people.

Jesus, I'm so over it at this point that I don't even have the words. What-fucking-ever. I swear, if I had a grand to spend on tickets I'd be there now, but I don't, and that's that. I can't change our financial situation, and I can't go that far into debt for any reason. I just can't. Not if I want to keep a roof over our heads and food in my son's belly.

And it's fucked up that some stupid family bullshit between the two sides has to have anything to do with it when I'm truly wanting to go to see both sides, not one more than the other. But whatever. Like I said, there's nothing I can do, and anger isn't worth the time of day or the energy given to it.

But right now, I'm ashamed of the fact that I've spent all these years trying my hardest to keep family bonds held together only to be disillusioned again and again. I'm done.

Done. And if ever I change my mind, I give each and every one of you permission to bitch-slap me right across the face.