Hippie peace loving black-foot anti-violence mama

Ok, so I admit it, I probably subscribe to a very unusual style of parenting. I believe in allowing my son to experience life on his own terms, barring those things that are physically harmful. I believe in co-sleeping, hands-on, type of bonding. I believe that it's nearly impossible to spoil a child with your attention and affection. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "Put that baby down, he'll never learn to walk!" or "If you let him sleep in your bed, he'll never learn to fall asleep on his own." Amazingly, his motor skills are above average, and at naptime he has no trouble laying down with his pillow and dozing off without me.

My other major belief is that physical punishment should never be an option and is never a solution to any sort of problem. I just don't think that striking a child, even judiciously teaches anything other than fear and aggression. I'm not saying that I'll never, ever, ever spank Jonas in his lifetime, but dammit, it better be a really good reason, and it better be a well thought out spanking. Even then, I just can't see myself ever raising my hand to him. It's just not right.

I know, there are a lot of folks that were spanked as children who have turned out ok, but I just think that it's an old-school and counter-productive behavior that displays lack of control on the parents part. How often can one say that they've spanked their child out of love and not because they simply were too angry to do anything else? And what does it teach the child about handling their own anger?

Ok, with that being said, I'll get to my point.

Jonas is in monkey mode lately, intent on climbing every climbable surface. Sure, there are lots of things a baby shouldn't climb. For instance, on Friday at school he learned that he shouldn't try to climb the slide without supervision. Where the supervision was is a whole other post.

Today, at Abuela's he decided that the glass coffee table would make a fun climbing surface. Ok, yes, I agree, not the greatest choice of surfaces. I certainly wouldn't let him climb on any glass top surfaces in my home, either. But Abuelo's solution to this problem was to threaten him with his belt, actually even swatted him on the hand with it, in my presence! (ok, so it was light, even made Jonas laugh, and certainly inflicting no pain whatsoever)

Deep breath, Angie.

Number one: my son has no concept of what a belt is for, other than holding up pants, so there's no fear there.

Number two: Don't ever try to instill fear tactics in my curious toddler's mind. If that's the only way that you can find to control him, and obviously it didn't work since he simply laughed and climbed back up, then you have no business watching him.

Number three: Don't ever take it upon yourself to dole out physical punishment to a child that is not your own flesh and blood. If you want to hit your own children, that's your call, but never, ever, ever, EVER strike my son, even with a feather, unless you clear it with me first.

Number four: If ever a belt, or any object is waved threateningly at my child again, you will no longer have the right to visit with him at all.

I'm sorry, I know that they're my husband's parents. I know that they mean well. I know that children need discipline, and I know that my son can be testy, to say the least. But none of those things are excuse enough for me. Never will be.

Now my delimma is going to be confronting them about it in a way that is diplomatic and non-judgemental. I can barely communicate with them at all considering we speak different languages. Just getting across things like feeding instructions is a challenge, much less a dissertation in the child-rearing practices of a new-age hippie mother. And I know that Wil is going to be less than useful in this particular debate.

Even before Jonas was born we came to agree that we totally disagreed in our child-rearing views. Wil believes in spanking. Well reasoned spanking and only for extreme circumstances. We spent many hours debating this and never were able to see eye to eye, but I did make him promise me this: If ever he feels that Jonas needs to be spanked then he is to separate himself from the situation for ten minutes and then determine whether he still feels that physical punishment is the best solution. I can guarantee that after a cooling off period it's either going to be a well reasoned spanking, or none at all.

So, I'm not saying that my way is the only right way in the world to raise a kid. I'm not saying that any of you that choose to spank are wrong. They are your children and as long as you're not crossing that filament-thin line into abuse, you can do as you please. BUT NOT WITH MY CHILD!

And I've probably blown this whole thing way out of proportion, but it really unnerved me to think that a man of his age could possibly think that a 16 month old baby could "need" a spanking. Hell, it's as simple as picking him up and taking him into the other room. Or distract him with a curt "no" and an appropriate toy.

P.S. Babies can't tell cardboard boxes from glass-top tables. Don't expect him to be conscious of material value just yet.