I admit it

I don't fight fair. I never have. I have a knack for finding a person's weakest point, and I strike it at just the right time. I don't know why.

Actually, I do, but there's no point in re-hashing old stuff.

Suffice to say that today I've been a total bitch. I sometimes wonder how long it will take before he's had enough of my shit and decides to take off.

Enough guilting myself. Let's analyze what's got me into this mood in the first place.

I'm sick. Jonas is sick. We've both got some sort of nasty upper respiratory thing. I'm a big girl, I can handle it, but it kills me to watch Jonas wheeze and cough. Hasn't he been through enough in his short little life? Everytime he sneezes, or runs a fever, I get all worked up, positive that we'll end up back in the hospital again. I'm sure every mother worries unnecessarily about their child, but hell, my son has been through enough torture at the hands of the medical profession. I can't stand the thought of more.

This is my last weekend before I go back to working full time. I can't begin to tell you how much this has me tied in knots. I feel bad enough with Jonas spending three long days at daycare. Now I have to mentally prepare myself for four or five of them?! It's just not right. I went back to this job simply because I COULD work part time, and now they're screwing me over. It's either quit, or do what they insist. I don't have many options.

I have been applying for new jobs, but there are very few places that want part time anythings. And I'm willing to be an anything. Dishwasher, cashier, waitress, receptionist, whatever. I got my first rejection yesterday. Just the standard form letter. Thanks for applying, someone else is more qualified, try again later.

I've been in such denial about having to return to full time that I haven't even lined up daycare for the extra days. Sure, he can go to Bonnie's on Thursday's too, but that makes his tuition jump from $65 a week to $110. Ummm... do the math. That means I'll be working the extra day for free! I don't think so.

I could leave him with Wil's parents, but I don't trust them. That sounds horrible, I know, but it's the truth. How can you trust someone to watch your baby when they don't even speak english? They can't even understand feeding instructions. I don't need that kind of stress. I'd spend the entire day at work worried about what might be wrong.

My parents travel too much to be reliable, so they're out. My sister works, so she's out.

Heidi offered, but it doesn't seem fair, considering she works Wednesday nights at the hospital. She'd get out of work, then have to come over to spend 12 hours with Jonas with no sleep. And he's not an easy baby. He doesn't really even nap anymore, so she'd get no break.

So what's a mom to do?

And that's my problem today. I'm just frustrated. I'm tired of being pulled in a thousand different directions, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing it alone.

Sure, Wil works long hours. I understand and appreciate that. But when he's home, he's not really here. He barely even looks at his son, and I can't remember the last time we had any sort of conversation. He doesn't lift a finger around the house. Laundry, bathrooms, floors, litter boxes, dog walking, dish washing... forget it. If he puts his own clothes into the hamper it's an act of God.

So, after waking up this morning, feeding the baby, walking the dog, cleaning both bathrooms, doing the litter box and putting away the third load of laundry while he sat around in his boxers, I blew it. And I wasn't very fair.

But I don't understand how he can expect me to be a full time mom, a full time housekeeper, AND work full time. There's just not enough time in the day. What it really all boils down to is that I want to quit my job. I want to be a stay at home mommy. I wouldn't be too tired to play with my son. I wouldn't be the zombie that I have become.

But this wasn't meant to find it's way into my blog. Who wants to read about my personal problems. Especially when they sound so... whiny. Poor me. I've got a baby and a job and a house and a husband and I don't have time for them all. How many people out there have REAL problems?