Almost too much

I can't remember the last time I blogged anything of significance. I don't know if there's anything even of significance to write about, but I will try with this post to at least touch on something other than mindless babble. Providing Jonas stays asleep for another 5 minutes.

There's so much going on in my little world, but to speak of it would really just make it seem even more trite and whiney than it really is.

I've dipped into some sort of a funk over the last few days. No, it's not depression, exactly, more of just an overwhelmed, want to go bury myself in a dark hole for a while sort of feeling. I guess it's just because I have so many freaking demands, and so little time in which to meet them.

The most pressing of issues is Jonas's upcomming birthday. My little baby is going to be a year old. Has it really been a year? It's strange, because I can look at him and still see him as this tiny, vulnerable soul, and yet, he's not anymore. It's harder to let go than I ever imagined. Seems silly to whine about him growing up, and it's not exactly that I'm sad about it... I just find it harder and harder to... damn, I don't know how to put it... relate? to him? Nurture him? Ok, so I feel like I'm not as needed anymore.

You'd think that would be a good thing, but I miss being the center of his little universe. I miss those unconditional little grins just because I was there. Sure, we still laugh and giggle and play and have a great time, but his world is expanding, there is so much for him to explore! He's not interested in cuddling with his Mommy at all. I should be proud of him, and I am. It's just a lonliness issue with myself. I'm still celebrating his milestones everyday. For instance, he unrolled the toilet paper this morning and turned himself into a little mummy. That was great, had me rolling on the floor.

So the birthday party is this weekend. I'm stressed for so many reasons. First, it'll be the first time the two families have been together since the fiasco that was our wedding. That experience left a sour taste in everyone's mouths and I don't want that negativity flowing over into this occasion. And it's even harder since no one can communicate with anyone else. So, we're just going to sit in a room together and smile stupidly and that'll be it.

We haven't bought the first gift for J-man, either. We're financially strapped right now. If we don't pay the utility bill Monday, they'll be cutting our power off. Somehow, that has to take precedence over birthday gifts. Our homeowner's insurance premium is also due, and we just got a letter stating that our adjustable rate mortgage has been adjusted. We're now paying more interest on our house than we are on our car. That's just obscene.

See, like I said... pure whining bullshit. I should be thankful that we have a house at all. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the things that are most important.

It's time for my review at work. This requires a self-evaluation that I have been putting off all week. What can I say about myself? I hate the job and have no desire to be there. Of course my performance has been less than stellar. But can you really say that and still hope that they'll give you a raise? Of course not. And I'm not good at bullshitting, or at bragging about all the things that I do well. Ugh.

And on a total tangent from my little universe of minor inconveniences... my best friend in the whole world is sick. She's losing her mind. Not in the psychological sense. No, she's one of the most grounded people I know. But for some reason, she's losing chunks of time. At first it was just an occasional blink... an appointment forgotten, or a lunch date. Now it's days, entire days, erased from her mind. We hung out Tuesday, and on Thursday she had no recollection at all. We even discussed it on Thursday, and by Friday afternoon she was calling me at work to ask me to fill her in on what we had done. She realizes that something is wrong, and has called her doctor to make an appointment only to be put off for a month. It seems like something like total memory loss would take priority over things like the sniffles, but that's the world of medicine, I suppose.

Meanwhile, she's writing everything she does down in a journal so that she can look back and see what she's forgotten. It's scary to be 27 and struggling with something so huge, I'm sure. And I worry about her constantly. What the hell can cause you to just lose huge chunks of your time like that? What strange and uncurable disease chews moth-holes in your brain like that all of a sudden?

I guess all we can do is wait and see.

This entry has gone nowhere, and I realize that. My apologies to those hoping to find something with some meat to it. Seems that my mental pantry is just as empty as the one in my kitchen lately.

It'll come back one day.